Parenting Tips: #1 – Middle Names

Dear Parent-Who-Is-Contemplating-Not-Bestowing-A-Middle-Name-Upon-Your-Soon-To-Be-Born-Offspring,

Pause for a moment and think. Think very carefully about what this decision will mean.

Because this decision that you’re about to make will affect your child. In five specific ways, which I have detailed below for your benefit.

#1: Your child will forever wonder what his middle name would have been if you had not decided that you didn’t feel like writing a few extra letters onto his birth certificate. This feeling of unresolved conflict can lead to desperate acts like jumping on top of storage shed roofs and putting baby brothers into precarious situations.

#2: Your child will never have the option to suddenly change what name she goes by. She can never suddenly throw you for a loop by going from Sidney to Anne or from Winifred to Renee. Because you have removed this opportunity for rebellion, your child may turn to drugs, alcohol, and violence during their teen years in order to manifest a properly rebellious spirit.

(Also, please consider not naming your child Winifred. But that’s for a different letter.)

#3: Your child will never be believed when he tells his friends that he doesn’t have a middle name. His friends will forever be saying, ‘Oh, come on; it can’t be that bad.’ And because of this disbelief,

#4: Your child will forever be saddled with being perceived as having the most horrendous middle names imaginable. Since it is abundantly obvious that no normal person can exist without a middle name, your child’s peers will assume that your child must be hiding something absolutely horrible.

#5: Your child may well develop a deep resentment toward you that will manifest itself in a wild look that comes to her eyes whenever the subject of middle names comes up among her group of friends. This type of reaction is completely normal in anyone who has been deprived of something necessary by someone they have been brought up to love and trust.

In conclusion, if you choose to go ahead with this plan to not give your child a middle name, you may very well leave her so completely psychologically damaged that she posts rants in the form of open letters on her blog during the time that she really ought to be asleep.

So, please, be my guest: transform your child into a freak of nature by withholding a short string of meaningful letters from his birth certificate. Just ask yourself beforehand: is it really worth the trauma and drama?

– Melissa

P.S. In case you’re wondering on what authority an 18yo is speaking about parenting, I speak from the scars of a childhood without a middle name. There is no greater foundation or platform from which to speak on this most pressing subject.