I’m being urged to attend Paint Wars. And I really don’t want to go.
See, it’s a lovely concept: there’s water and pools full of watered-down paint, and everybody gets multicolored and goes down water slides and that sort of thing. Totally something I would have instigated at home. So why am I still in my room? I have several hypotheses.
#1. Last time I went (see, we did this with all the Freshmen last week) I had a great time when we were in our group of twelve or so people, united with a common goal. But the rest of the evening, when everyone split off with their friends, I was kind of miserable. I don’t yet have a close friend here, and life seems less manageable without someone steady to count on. (California is so far away sometimes…) I don’t want to end up standing on a hillside by myself again, cold and wet.
#2. My ankle still genuinely hurts a good bit of the time, and last time I tweaked it doing the simplest things in my brace. Needless to say, I’m not really interested in spending any amount of time on crutches again, and so maybe I’m overcautious. But an environment involving leaping, dashing, and slipping around on a wet surface is not a super safe place to be. I don’t want to end up standing on a hillside by myself again, cold and wet and trying to keep weight off an extra-sore ankle.
#3. The paint doesn’t stain enough. …Okay, so I’ve actually discarded this hypothesis. It just bugs me. I mean, the paint didn’t stain any of my clothes. What’s with that?!
#4. I don’t want to expend the energy necessary to attempt a social gathering. I think this is really what it comes down to, though the thoughts contained in points 1 & 2 do carry some weight. My room is safe, quiet, climate controlled, and doesn’t involve human interaction.
I love how I present this as all logical and scientifical and stuff, but in reality, the fact that I’m still in my room is entirely feelings-based. Don’t hear me discounting the validity of feelings here. Trust me, I base a heck of my life off of them, which is one of the more dangerous practices I engage in. It puts me in danger of ‘not feeling like’ going to church and ‘not feeling like’ talking to anyone at all and ‘not feeling like’ going to class and a million other really destructive things. Sometimes you’ve just gotta do something because you know you need to do it–like when I actually did eat something for dinner last night.
So…yeah. Tonight feelings win the day. Feelings and a stupid sprained ankle that reminds me that its not healed yet every time I wear my cowboy boots. (Yeah, the ones that Dad told me were a bad idea to wear while my ankle’s healing. I don’t learn things the easy way. Obviously.)
All that to say, I embrace being illogical and highly encourage you to engage in it at least every once in awhile (and always when it comes to the way the world views your living-out of your faith) but also challenge you to analyze (don’t over-analyze; trust me on this) the mixture of “logic” and “emotions” that you’re basing your decisions on. I feel like we as humans tend to swing to one extreme or the other when it comes to the feelings vs. emotions fight (I do) but living your life in any extreme is pretty messy (I have scars on my heart to prove it). I don’t have all the answers–obviously–but I serve a God who not only does, but loves me (loves you, too) even when I botch things up.
Have a fabulous rest of your day, and kudos to you for surviving a look into my winding thought-process. Life is fabulous. Go live it.
Divine Romance by Phil Wickham*
* I apologize for any grammatical errors contained in the onscreen lyrics of this video. I do not approve, but still lack the ability to fix stupid. I hope you’ll be able to appreciate the words regardless of things like “Beautys”.